The swine-flu pandemic—isn't it great how that word conjures up "panic"?—is terrifying, of course, and yet I also find it sad that the U.S. Centers for Disease Control felt the need to create posters reminding people to cover their mouths when they cough. A few months ago, after one too many people coughed open-mouthed right as they passed by me, I took a different tack. Wishing that everyone would behave like Kristin Scott Thomas, a paragon of gentility, I did what any modern person would do: In the space of an hour, I twittered relentlessly about what Kristin Scott Thomas would or would not do. It amused me to no end, and baffled the few people who read my tweets. (Adam even called to ask if I knew "what had happened" to my blog—where my Twitter feed shows up—because he was concerned that someone had hijacked it.) In any event, I'm posting some of those KST guidelines here because of their timeliness: Kristin Scott Thomas does not want your swine flu.
• Next time you're about to cough with your mouth open, ask yourself: Would Kristin Scott Thomas do such a thing?
• Kristin Scott Thomas would never blow smoke in your face, unless you deserve it.
• At the gym, Kristin Scott Thomas does not leave her stuff all over the locker-room bench so that no one else can sit. (Although Kristin Scott Thomas does not go to the gym because she now lives in France.)
• Kristin Scott Thomas does not whistle in public because it is bothersome and she does not want to draw unnecessary attention to herself.
• At a café or boutique, Kristin Scott Thomas would never approach the counter while on her phone. She would finish her conversation first.
• Kristin Scott Thomas does not have a "ringtone."
• Kristin Scott Thomas always responds to an invitation, sending her regrets if she cannot attend.
• Should Kristin Scott Thomas grow bored with someone at dinner, she will not check her watch until she is in the privacy of the WC.
• Kristin Scott Thomas has always thought of oral hygiene as a private matter, to be sure.
• It is unthinkable that Kristin Scott Thomas would forget to lock a bathroom door!
• If Kristin Scott Thomas needs help finding her way, she says "Excuse me" to someone, she doesn't just yell "Second Avenue?" and hope.
• Should you drop something near Kristin Scott Thomas, she may or may not pick it up, but she will definitely let you know that you dropped it.
• When someone holds a door open for Kristin Scott Thomas, she is grateful, and she says as much.