The General Situation

Kristin Scott Thomas Either Likes Something or She Does Not

Kristin Scott Thomas wonders why it is far more common for a patron to thank a salesclerk than vice versa.

When Kristin Scott Thomas wins an award, she does not swear in jubilation. Not even internally.

Please do not ask Kristin Scott Thomas to like something. As if she can control what she likes! In any event, pressuring her rarely achieves the desired result.

In written communication, the use of more than one question mark can affect Kristin Scott Thomas's nerves.

Kristin Scott Thomas does not understand why shops and similar businesses do not specify their hours of operation on their voicemail messages. And when a doctor's voicemail message says the office will open at a certain hour, Kristin Scott Thomas—quite rationally—expects someone to answer the phone at that time.

Asking Kristin Scott Thomas how she is "doing" is not, to her mind, the same thing as asking what sort of espresso-based drink she would like prepared for her.

Kristin Scott Thomas Does Not Know Who You Are

It is preferable not to shake Kristin Scott Thomas's hand at all than to shake it with a hand that has been too recently moisturized.

If you are a clerk, you are well within your rights to give the person ahead of Kristin Scott Thomas something for free. If, however, you don't also give Kristin Scott Thomas something for free, she shall feel even less compunction to grace your little jar with a tip.

Cafés that have not yet opened for business for the day should keep their doors locked, lest Kristin Scott Thomas walk in, expecting a demitasse of coffee, only to be rebuffed. She does not enjoy being rebuffed (except perhaps in a spa context).

Kristin Scott Thomas can not understand what would make someone use a toothpick in public. Similarly, she can see no reason why one would lick a knife or insert a knife into one's mouth. She supposes that it could be appropriate for some arcane form of Japanese suicide, but even then—especially then!—such a thing would only be done in private.

Kristin Scott Thomas does not forward emails wantonly!

Those who would like to become a "friend" of Kristin Scott Thomas on Facebook should explain themselves, and not simply submit a friend request.

I Bet!

Re: Kristin Scott Thomas

A Swedish blogger named Thomas O., via email: I guess you like Kristin Scott Thomas. Well, so do I. I think she's a brilliant actress and I love her looks. Her face is sooo beautiful.

Me: Hi, Thomas. Yes, I do like Kristin Scott Thomas—she is lovely to look at, and I can just tell that she comports herself beautifully even when she's not acting. I bet she even eats ice cream like a lady. Best, Erik

Kristin Scott Thomas Hung Up on You for a Reason

If Kristin Scott Thomas doesn't leave a voicemail for you, it means she doesn't need to speak to you. You need not return her call.

Kristin Scott Thomas can only imagine how it would make someone feel if she suggested a lunch date and then never mentioned it again. She does not understand how others can float such suggestions so blithely.

When you have scheduled a phone meeting with Kristin Scott Thomas and you neglect to call at the appointed hour—well, la balle is not Kristin Scott Thomas's court.

Kristin Scott Thomas has been known to give a revolving door a firm shove when the person in front of her refuses to push it.

Kristin Scott Thomas Politely Rejects Your "Hatchlings"

More wisdom from Kristin Scott Thomas, our exemplar:

• Kristin Scott Thomas responds to emails promptly, so long as the sender has posed a question. A perfunctory "How are you?" does not count.

• If you thank Kristin Scott Thomas, she will respond by saying, "You're welcome"—unless, that is, she is feeling fatigued, in which case she might say, "It was my pleasure," although she doesn't much care for that phrase. She will not say, "No problem." The closest she would come to ever saying that phrase is if she were in Madrid, but even then, no.

• Were Kristin Scott Thomas to be carrying a large and/or heavy package down the street—just pretend—she would hope that other pedestrians would move to accommodate her. (It is fortuitous that she has associates who transport her awkward packages.)

• Kristin Scott Thomas thinks it's cute that you have a "farm" on Facebook, but she also laughs a little at you—but only to herself!

• One can only presume to guess, but Kristin Scott Thomas seems like the type of person who would enjoy Brussels sprouts. However, if she saw them on a restaurant's menu and ordered them, she would likely be disappointed that her server didn't inform her that the Brussels sprouts weren't cooked, that they were instead shaved raw into a "salad." She would show her displeasure by not touching them, and sigh just a little when no one from the restaurant asked her why.

• Does Kristin Scott Thomas have to explain why police cars should obey traffic laws?

• Kristin Scott Thomas washes her hands whenever fate presents her with the opportunity—and to leave a restroom without doing so, well, c'est trés bizarre.

• While waiting in an interminable line to use the automated postage machines at the post office, Kristin Scott Thomas might grow antsy and perhaps even exasperated. But she would never say, "What, are you waiting for a Snickers to come out?"

Kristin Scott Thomas Does Not Want to Hear Your Bleeping Beeps

Last week, I was walking along, minding my business, when a group of three approached. They were in a row, taking up the entire sidewalk. As they got closer, I assumed they would collapse together, allowing me to pass—but no. I had to flatten myself against a storefront to avoid being run over. "Share the road," I hissed.

It pains me to admit that Kristin Scott Thomas would not have done that. The moment was a teachable one, and as these things do, it reminded me of other ways Kristin Scott Thomas can be an inspiration.

• Kristin Scott Thomas disapproves of people who leave detritus—bobby pins, water-bottle caps, gum, et cetera—in treadmill caddies.

• Kristin Scott Thomas is mindful of her umbrella at all times. For many reasons, she would rather not poke out your eye.

• Although she finds such a situation frustrating, to say the least, Kristin Scott Thomas would not cut in line were she to find herself at a McDonald's when a cashier suddenly opened a new register. Her hunger is no match for her patience nor her civility.

• Kristin Scott Thomas more than 10 minutes late? Never.

• When on an airplane, Kristin Scott Thomas has been known to peruse the in-flight magazine. If she were to complete the crossword puzzle or even the sudoku, she would take the magazine with her upon deplaning. The next passenger might also want to divert himself with the puzzle, no?

• Is it not shocking to glimpse chicken bones discarded on the street? Kristin Scott Thomas thinks so.

• Kristin Scott Thomas makes every effort to avoid using the same pet name for loved ones that she uses for her dog.

Neither Would Kristin Scott Thomas!

Kristin Scott Thomas Enjoys Guacamole, But Not to a Fault

Last weekend, Adam and I were chatting with the gardener who does the landscaping at the house we rent in Connecticut. Adam brought up the never-ending rain, all anyone talks about this summer. "Tell me about it!" she said. "My friend asked me if I was picking mushrooms out of my ass yet." The vividness of the phrase was laudable, and yet, I also thought, Kristin Scott Thomas would never say that. Which got me to thinking about more ways Kristin Scott Thomas can be an role model for us all.

• Though she understands that health officials recommend the practice, Kristin Scott Thomas does not feel right coughing into the crook of her arm. Is it not preferable to avoid coughing in public?

• Kristin Scott Thomas can't even imagine lifting the bowl of guacamole—or any dip—so that she may access the last smear that is stuck to the side.

• Tempting as it may be, Kristin Scott Thomas would not inform her dry cleaners that its new poster misspells "professional." She was fortunate to have an above-average education, and she endeavors not to flaunt it.

• Kristin Scott Thomas neither takes nor makes phone calls while standing on a subway-station stairway.

• Were Kristin Scott Thomas to serve a spinach salad that included feta, only realizing afterward that the cheese wasn't as fresh as it might have been, she would not announce postprandially, "I think that feta was rancid."

• If you are walking anywhere near Kristin Scott Thomas, you need not worry that she will stop right in front of you without any warning.

• Perhaps because she herself has a name prone to be misspelled, Kristin Scott Thomas makes every effort to spell others' names correctly.

• While it is unknown whether Kristin Scott Thomas has a dog—perhaps a Jack Russell terrier named Marcel?—she would not tote her dog into a restaurant or café (unless she's in France, where doing so is de rigueur). Flouting laws puts the restaurateur in an awkward position, and leaves law-abiding patrons feeling resentful.

Kristin Scott Thomas Does Not Want Your Swine Flu

The swine-flu pandemic—isn't it great how that word conjures up "panic"?—is terrifying, of course, and yet I also find it sad that the U.S. Centers for Disease Control felt the need to create posters reminding people to cover their mouths when they cough. A few months ago, after one too many people coughed open-mouthed right as they passed by me, I took a different tack. Wishing that everyone would behave like Kristin Scott Thomas, a paragon of gentility, I did what any modern person would do: In the space of an hour, I twittered relentlessly about what Kristin Scott Thomas would or would not do. It amused me to no end, and baffled the few people who read my tweets. (Adam even called to ask if I knew "what had happened" to my blog—where my Twitter feed shows up—because he was concerned that someone had hijacked it.) In any event, I'm posting some of those KST guidelines here because of their timeliness: Kristin Scott Thomas does not want your swine flu.

• Next time you're about to cough with your mouth open, ask yourself: Would Kristin Scott Thomas do such a thing?

• Kristin Scott Thomas would never blow smoke in your face, unless you deserve it.

• At the gym, Kristin Scott Thomas does not leave her stuff all over the locker-room bench so that no one else can sit. (Although Kristin Scott Thomas does not go to the gym because she now lives in France.)

• Kristin Scott Thomas does not whistle in public because it is bothersome and she does not want to draw unnecessary attention to herself.

• At a café or boutique, Kristin Scott Thomas would never approach the counter while on her phone. She would finish her conversation first.

• Kristin Scott Thomas does not have a "ringtone."

• Kristin Scott Thomas always responds to an invitation, sending her regrets if she cannot attend.

• Should Kristin Scott Thomas grow bored with someone at dinner, she will not check her watch until she is in the privacy of the WC.

• Kristin Scott Thomas has always thought of oral hygiene as a private matter, to be sure.

• It is unthinkable that Kristin Scott Thomas would forget to lock a bathroom door!

• If Kristin Scott Thomas needs help finding her way, she says "Excuse me" to someone, she doesn't just yell "Second Avenue?" and hope.

• Should you drop something near Kristin Scott Thomas, she may or may not pick it up, but she will definitely let you know that you dropped it.

• When someone holds a door open for Kristin Scott Thomas, she is grateful, and she says as much.