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I'm just saying...
- All public restrooms should have locks that indicate whether they're vacant or occupied.
- I would pay extra for an edition of the New York Times with no opinion pieces.
- Evite should run reviews and ratings from party guests.
- Prius drivers are the worst.
- Someday I'd like to have a washing machine that's not at knee-level.
- Train travel is better in the abstract.
- Artists should have websites indicating where their works are on display, the way musicians' websites list upcoming shows.
- Why is stand-up comedy in movies always so terrible?
- Nothing kills the vibe at a restaurant bar like a laptop.
- Is a "knowledge base" ever useful?
- Houseguests are like newborns: Great pains should be taken to keep them asleep.
- Sometimes I think everyone I know is on the spectrum.
- Best to avoid any gas pump that also offers diesel.
- Skip the exit interview.
- When did car windshields get impossible to clean on the inside?
- Cookbooks should be very clear about which recipe is featured on the cover.
- Penne is the saddest pasta.
- Don't eat a dish named after a volcano.
- Nobody cares about your app.
- It's time to remove that note at the end of your emails asking people not to print them.
- If you think about it, gum is weird.
- Business idea: TV channel devoted to terror attacks.
- Please don't tell me about your favorite TV show.
- The more reachable I've become, the less likely I am to answer my phone.
previous lyrics
- I think I lost it, let me know if you come across it
- Time is like a clock in my heart
- Walk beside me, not behind me. Feel my unconditional love
- You always knew you were tired, but then where are your friends tonight?
- It's too late tonight to drag the past out into the light
- This may come as some surprise, but I miss you
- I walked home smiling—I finally had a story to tell
- I kissed you in a style Clark Gable would have admired. I thought it classic
- If you knew how I felt now, you wouldn't act so adult now
- Under the kitchen light, you still look like dynamite
- The culture is lit, and if this is it, I had a ball
- I was dreaming when I wrote this, so sue me if I go too fast
- I never wanted to be your weekend lover
- Sometimes I wish for a mistake
- Downstairs the party is going full swing. The people we came with haven't noticed a thing
- It’s not safe to go out, it’s not right to stay home. Listen, my advice is to carry a gun
- And anyways I'd rather listen to Coltrane than go through all that shit again
- Up to Lexington, 125—feel sick and dirty, more dead than alive
- Whoever brought me here is gonna have to take me home
- I hear you knockin', but there ain't nobody home
- What's practical? What's logical? What the hell, who cares?
- I don't know what I knew before, but now I know I want to win the war
- Tell me something that you mean, not just what comes to mind
- I don't know my future after this weekend, and I don't want to
- I see you driving sports cars, ain't hitting the throttle, and I'll be down to do a hundred, top down and goggles
- Sing me another love song, but this time with a little dedication
- You got a look in your eye when you're saying goodbye, like you want to say hi
- I'll settle for a cup of coffee, but you know what I really need
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07 January 2015
04 January 2014
18 November 2013
15 September 2013
Conscience Point
Today was not a good day. While parking by the side of the road in Connecticut, about to go on a walk in the woods, I drove our car into a tree. Adam was in the passenger seat, which made it better and worse. On one hand, I didn't have to try to explain what happened (why and/or how being another matter entirely). On the other hand, I couldn't pretend that there was a logical explanation.
The car was mostly parked; the ground was very uneven and the tree was a couple of feet ahead of us. For some reason—the tape won't rewind that far—I thought my foot was on the brake, so when the car oddly kept inching forward, I pushed the pedal harder. "What are you doing?" yelled Adam. "Stop!" I just stared in shock as the car hit the tree trunk. It's amazing how much damage you can do in two feet. The sole bright spot is that the airbags didn't deploy.
"I feel like Lizzie Grubman," I said on the way home. (Adam drove.) She was the PR chick who, in 2001, mistook the gas for the brake and rammed her truck into partygoers outside a nightclub called Consicence Point.
"At least she was drunk," Adam replied.Indeed. If you behave stupidly for a reason—even if it's the wrong reason—you can take some solace in the fact that you had thought about it. Your decision-making was flawed; you can analyze and/or rationalize why. If you were drunk, you can blame the booze. If you do something stupid for no reason at all, however, then your mind, in the subsequent hours and probably days, but I hope not weeks, turns it over again and again, trying to grab hold of something impossibly slippery. All you have to keep you warm is that nobody was hurt and it could've been worse. In fact, as I was just about to post this, Adam said, "It was a good thing you weren't in a parking lot or you could've damaged another car, too."
P.S. This is not an invitation to broach this topic with me.
02 September 2013
12 August 2013
I Spy Spiders
There was a spider's nest in the armrest of one of the chairs on the porch of the house we rent in Connecticut—as we discovered only after hundreds of baby spiders could be spotted in the web. Every now and then, such as when you breathed on them, they'd take a few steps and then settle back down. It was awesome. And then, one day, they were gone.
08 August 2013
[Shrugs]
It's even funnier when you know that she has kids.