Me: I really slept well last night.
Adam: That's great.
Me: Amazing what a little scotch can do.
Adam: Is that what happened?
Me: The DVD player wouldn't work!
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I'm just saying...
- Prius drivers are the worst.
- Someday I'd like to have a washing machine that's not at knee-level.
- Train travel is better in the abstract.
- Artists should have websites indicating where their works are on display, the way musicians' websites list upcoming shows.
- Why is stand-up comedy in movies always so terrible?
- Nothing kills the vibe at a restaurant bar like a laptop.
- Is a "knowledge base" ever useful?
- Houseguests are like newborns: Great pains should be taken to keep them asleep.
- Sometimes I think everyone I know is on the spectrum.
- Best to avoid any gas pump that also offers diesel.
- Skip the exit interview.
- When did car windshields get impossible to clean on the inside?
- Cookbooks should be very clear about which recipe is featured on the cover.
- Penne is the saddest pasta.
- Don't eat a dish named after a volcano.
- Nobody cares about your app.
- It's time to remove that note at the end of your emails asking people not to print them.
- If you think about it, gum is weird.
- Business idea: TV channel devoted to terror attacks.
- Please don't tell me about your favorite TV show.
- The more reachable I've become, the less likely I am to answer my phone.
previous lyrics
- Downstairs the party is going full swing. The people we came with haven't noticed a thing
- It’s not safe to go out, it’s not right to stay home. Listen, my advice is to carry a gun
- And anyways I'd rather listen to Coltrane than go through all that shit again
- Up to Lexington, 125—feel sick and dirty, more dead than alive
- Whoever brought me here is gonna have to take me home
- I hear you knockin', but there ain't nobody home
- What's practical? What's logical? What the hell, who cares?
- I don't know what I knew before, but now I know I want to win the war
- Tell me something that you mean, not just what comes to mind
- I don't know my future after this weekend, and I don't want to
- I see you driving sports cars, ain't hitting the throttle, and I'll be down to do a hundred, top down and goggles
- Sing me another love song, but this time with a little dedication
- You got a look in your eye when you're saying goodbye, like you want to say hi
- I'll settle for a cup of coffee, but you know what I really need
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