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I'm just saying...

  • I would pay extra for an edition of the New York Times with no opinion pieces.
  • Evite should run reviews and ratings from party guests.
  • Prius drivers are the worst.
  • Someday I'd like to have a washing machine that's not at knee-level.
  • Train travel is better in the abstract.
  • Artists should have websites indicating where their works are on display, the way musicians' websites list upcoming shows.
  • Why is stand-up comedy in movies always so terrible?
  • Nothing kills the vibe at a restaurant bar like a laptop.
  • Is a "knowledge base" ever useful?
  • Houseguests are like newborns: Great pains should be taken to keep them asleep.
  • Sometimes I think everyone I know is on the spectrum.
  • Best to avoid any gas pump that also offers diesel.
  • Skip the exit interview.
  • When did car windshields get impossible to clean on the inside?
  • Cookbooks should be very clear about which recipe is featured on the cover.
  • Penne is the saddest pasta.
  • Don't eat a dish named after a volcano.
  • Nobody cares about your app.
  • It's time to remove that note at the end of your emails asking people not to print them.
  • If you think about it, gum is weird.
  • Business idea: TV channel devoted to terror attacks.
  • Please don't tell me about your favorite TV show.
  • The more reachable I've become, the less likely I am to answer my phone.

previous lyrics

  • This may come as some surprise, but I miss you
  • I walked home smiling—I finally had a story to tell
  • I kissed you in a style Clark Gable would have admired. I thought it classic
  • If you knew how I felt now, you wouldn't act so adult now
  • Under the kitchen light, you still look like dynamite
  • The culture is lit, and if this is it, I had a ball
  • I was dreaming when I wrote this, so sue me if I go too fast
  • I never wanted to be your weekend lover
  • Sometimes I wish for a mistake
  • Downstairs the party is going full swing. The people we came with haven't noticed a thing
  • It’s not safe to go out, it’s not right to stay home. Listen, my advice is to carry a gun
  • And anyways I'd rather listen to Coltrane than go through all that shit again
  • Up to Lexington, 125—feel sick and dirty, more dead than alive
  • Whoever brought me here is gonna have to take me home
  • I hear you knockin', but there ain't nobody home
  • What's practical? What's logical? What the hell, who cares?
  • I don't know what I knew before, but now I know I want to win the war
  • Tell me something that you mean, not just what comes to mind
  • I don't know my future after this weekend, and I don't want to
  • I see you driving sports cars, ain't hitting the throttle, and I'll be down to do a hundred, top down and goggles
  • Sing me another love song, but this time with a little dedication
  • You got a look in your eye when you're saying goodbye, like you want to say hi
  • I'll settle for a cup of coffee, but you know what I really need

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17 May 2011

What I Learned in the New York Times (April 2011)

4/30: Mayor Bloomberg wants to ban the use of food stamps for soda.

4/29: Hundreds of Tunisians are allowing Libyan refugees to stay in their homes.

4/28: Armadillos can transmit leprosy to humans.

4/27: One third of the central business district in Christchurch, New Zealand, was destroyed in the February earthquake.

4/26: To comply with the Title IX law, universities have been padding their women's teams with fake players.

4/25: The Travel Channel is investing $7.5 million in Oyster.com.

4/24: NASA requires that astronaut candidates be able to swim three lengths of a pool in a flight suit and tennis shoes.

4/23: A Nigerian preacher named Sunday Adelaja has a huge following in Ukraine.

4/22: HBO plans to make Jennifer Egan's A Visit from the Goon Squad into a series.

4/21: Trojan, Durex, and LifeStyles have all started making vibrators.

4/20: Prescription drug addiction is now killing more people than crack cocaine in the 1980s and heroin in the 1970s combined.

4/19: A Republican official in Orange County, Calif., emailed around a photo of President Obama's face Photoshopped onto a baby chimpanzee's body.

4/18: Rabbinical experts can't agree on whether quinoa is kosher for Passover.

4/17: A perfume called Boyfriend is being marketed under actress Kate Walsh's name.

4/16: New York City is getting a new area code (929).

4/15: Professional golfer Kevin Na needed a record 16 strokes to finish a par-4 hole during tournament play.

4/14: The president of the Czech Republic was caught on video surreptitiously pocketing the gem-encrusted pen he used to sign a treaty in Chile.

4/13: The U.S. government has warned against formaldehyde levels in a hair treatment called the Brazilian Blowout.

4/12: Amazon will sell a cheaper Kindle that serves advertising.

4/11: Google is running print ads with the slogan "A Google a Day."

4/10: John Steinbeck's Travels With Charley isn't actually non-fiction.

4/9: Maxwell House's free version of the Haggadah, the text read at Passover, might be the world's most popular.

4/8: A jumper is a type of sleeveless dress.

4/7: France bans surrogate parenting.

4/6: The man who invented the Pringles can had his ashes buried in Pringles one.

4/5: Two art-film theaters will open at Lincoln Center in June.

4/4: Michelle Bachmann's Congressional office has had five chiefs of staff in the last four years.

4/3: The Vietnamese government has been arresting people who publicly challenge it.

4/2: There were zero ads in the Sports and Business sections of the Times.

4/1: GoDaddy's CEO shot an elephant while on vacation in Zimbabwe.

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