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I'm just saying...

  • I would pay extra for an edition of the New York Times with no opinion pieces.
  • Evite should run reviews and ratings from party guests.
  • Prius drivers are the worst.
  • Someday I'd like to have a washing machine that's not at knee-level.
  • Train travel is better in the abstract.
  • Artists should have websites indicating where their works are on display, the way musicians' websites list upcoming shows.
  • Why is stand-up comedy in movies always so terrible?
  • Nothing kills the vibe at a restaurant bar like a laptop.
  • Is a "knowledge base" ever useful?
  • Houseguests are like newborns: Great pains should be taken to keep them asleep.
  • Sometimes I think everyone I know is on the spectrum.
  • Best to avoid any gas pump that also offers diesel.
  • Skip the exit interview.
  • When did car windshields get impossible to clean on the inside?
  • Cookbooks should be very clear about which recipe is featured on the cover.
  • Penne is the saddest pasta.
  • Don't eat a dish named after a volcano.
  • Nobody cares about your app.
  • It's time to remove that note at the end of your emails asking people not to print them.
  • If you think about it, gum is weird.
  • Business idea: TV channel devoted to terror attacks.
  • Please don't tell me about your favorite TV show.
  • The more reachable I've become, the less likely I am to answer my phone.

previous lyrics

  • This may come as some surprise, but I miss you
  • I walked home smiling—I finally had a story to tell
  • I kissed you in a style Clark Gable would have admired. I thought it classic
  • If you knew how I felt now, you wouldn't act so adult now
  • Under the kitchen light, you still look like dynamite
  • The culture is lit, and if this is it, I had a ball
  • I was dreaming when I wrote this, so sue me if I go too fast
  • I never wanted to be your weekend lover
  • Sometimes I wish for a mistake
  • Downstairs the party is going full swing. The people we came with haven't noticed a thing
  • It’s not safe to go out, it’s not right to stay home. Listen, my advice is to carry a gun
  • And anyways I'd rather listen to Coltrane than go through all that shit again
  • Up to Lexington, 125—feel sick and dirty, more dead than alive
  • Whoever brought me here is gonna have to take me home
  • I hear you knockin', but there ain't nobody home
  • What's practical? What's logical? What the hell, who cares?
  • I don't know what I knew before, but now I know I want to win the war
  • Tell me something that you mean, not just what comes to mind
  • I don't know my future after this weekend, and I don't want to
  • I see you driving sports cars, ain't hitting the throttle, and I'll be down to do a hundred, top down and goggles
  • Sing me another love song, but this time with a little dedication
  • You got a look in your eye when you're saying goodbye, like you want to say hi
  • I'll settle for a cup of coffee, but you know what I really need

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31 August 2010

You Can Say This About Rupert Murdoch: He Puts His Money Where His Mouth Is

Murdoch
What I learned in the New York Times during August....

8/1: New York's City Council recently passed regulations to limit the number of new driveways. 8/2: Floods in North Korea have loosened land mines, sending them to South Korean rivers and beaches. 8/3: The nail dryers at nail salons use UV lamps, which are a risk factor for skin cancer. 8/4: More than 80 percent of Green Mountain Coffee Roasters' $803 million in sales last year came from nonrecyclable, nonbiodegradable single-use coffee pods and their brewing systems. 8/5: Other professional cyclists are said to be supporting claims that Lance Armstrong used performance-enhancing drugs. 8/6: "When I'm used to seeing diamonds, I'm used to seeing them shiny and in a box," said Naomi Campbell while testifying in the war-crimes trial of former Liberian president Charles Taylor. Also: "It's not abnormal for me to get gifts; I get gifts all the time." 8/7: When Robert Shields and Lorene Yarnell were married in 1972, the ceremony was mimed. Plus: The three mains New York City–area airports will get full-body scanners next month. 8/8: New York does not explicitly forbid biking after drinking alcohol. 8/9: One way Roald Dahl helped Patricia Neal recover from three strokes was by holding things out of her reach until she managed to ask for them. Plus: Girls are increasingly likely to develop breasts by age 7 or 8. 8/10: A spinal fluid test can identify patients with significant memory loss who are on their way to developing Alzheimer's disease. 8/11: Tex Wasabi's, a mini-chain co-owned by TV personality Guy Fieri, serves a "sushi" roll filled with pulled pork, avocado, and French fries. 8/12: The television room at Guantánamo Bay may be used by one detainee at a time, and he must wear leg irons while watching. 8/13: When Mayor Bloomberg was a child, his parents asked their lawyer, a Christian, to buy a house and sell it back to  them in order to hide their identity as Jews. 8/14: President Obama spoke out in favor of the mosque planned for Park Place. 8/15: President Obama said that he wasn't endorsing the Park51 mosque so much as endorsing the idea that all Americans have certain rights. Plus: Schools are making students bring cleaning materials as school supplies. 8/16: Thirty gallons of bleach spilled of the top floor of a Times Square skyscraper. Plus: Bernadette Peters is 62 years old. 8/17: To preserve the bubbles, Champagne should be poured like beer, against the side of a titled glass. 8/18: News Corporation donated $1 million to the Republican Governors Association. 8/19: Fareed Zakaria returned a First Amendment award given to him by the Anti-Defamation League after the ADL announced its opposition to the Park51 Islamic cultural center. 8/20: A Saudi Arabian judge has asked several hospitals if they can maim a man's spinal cord as punsihment for him paralyzing someone else. 8/21: The U.S. State Department has funded Middle East speaking tours by Park51 imam Feisal Abdul Rauf. 8/23: In 2009, more than 16,000 civilians were killed in Venezuela—compared to 4,600 in Iraq. Plus: Richard Dreyfuss is in the cast of Piranha 3-D. 8/24: Male cats produce more allergens than female cats. 8/25: In July, U.S. housing sales were more than 25% lower than the level of a year ago. 8/26: Germany might make it illegal for employers to look at Facebook pages of prospective employees. Plus: Golfer Jim Furyk overslept and missed his tee time for a tournament. Plus: Alan K. Simpson, the Republican co-chair of President Obama's bipartisan fiscal commission, wrote in a letter that Social Security is like "a milk cow with 310 million tits." 8/27: A lot of jazz musicians play Ping-Pong. 8/28: Japan and the U.S. are the only Group of 8 nations that use capital punishment. Plus: The 33 miners trapped in Chile were sent 33 tiny Bibles. 8/29: Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal have never played against each other in the U.S. Open. 8/30: Stephen Colbert's middle name is Tyrone. Plus: Lauryn Hill has five children. Plus: Paris Hilton was arrested when a small vial of cocaine fell out of her purse while she was removing lip balm in front of a police officer. 8/31: Bedbugs usually live in a bed or within eight feet of one.

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