I've blogged before about my ambivalence about being a semi-public figure ("semi" is way too strong a prefix, but I don't know what would be smaller), mostly as an excuse to publish a letter I once received from someone who had a fetish about people who split their pants. At least he had the decency to pretend to be a 13-year-old doing a school assignment. By the way, this post is probably NSFW.
I've recently begun doing national TV appearances for an online travel company, and the folks there asked if I had previous TV spots on disk anywhere. I knew they were online, so I Googled myself. I don't like Googling myself—I think of it as Pandora's Mirror—because I've come across unpleasant websites that have no problem posting outright lies. This time, I found a thread about me on Prince.org, an "unofficial and independent Prince fan community site." The fact that I love Prince is, I believe, irrelevant; many of the forums are about whatever.
Before we go any further, let me be clear: I'm not drawing attention to this because I want people to know that other people think I'm sexy. I happen to think this is incredibly funny (as will others, I'm sure), and because it also freaks me out, I feel a need to address/own it.
Over the course of eight days last March, a group of mostly men debated whether I was sexy. The thread is called "I ~HEART~ ERIC TORKELLS," and at first all I could think was, Yeah, not enough to spell my name right. From what I can tell—the website is extremely hard to follow—it all starts when a user who goes by Imago (his real name is Dan and he lives in Tampa, Fla.) posts a CNN.com video of me talking about art hotels, along with two photos from my time at Budget Travel. Then SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy (whose name is evidently Supa, and who lives in L.A.) replies, "He looks like he has a dry mouth but yeah, I heart him too." I can't bear to watch video of myself in the best of circumstances, so there was no way I was watching the one in question to see if my mouth did in fact look dry. Imago responds by calling me "nerd-sexy" and SupaFunky says I have pretty eyes. I'd prefer that strangers not be talking about me this way at all, but it could be worse, right?
Right.
Imago declares that I deserve to be known, a sentiment that until this very moment I probably would've agreed with, and there's a subsequent exchange I don't understand—it's a private matter, I guess. Then SupaFunky says, "I'll gang bang him with you though. Absolutely adorable and beautiful." He adds that he loves my "semi-fem kermit-the-frog voice too." All I can say is that that's so not the effect I've been going for. But it gets worse: "His ass deserves to be ripped apart, no?"
Assuming that question isn't rhetorical: No, SupaFunky, it does not.
Imago thinks this has to be "the most poorly received Eric Torkells thread on the Internet," presumably because no one else is participating. My first thought is, There are other Eric Torkells threads on the Internet? My second thought is, Thank god no one else is participating!
Imago asks "what exactly is a dry mouth anyways" which seems self-explanatory to me, but I suppose it would, given that it's my dry mouth we're talking about. "Kissing cotton balls," explains SupaFunky. I begin to regret never having media training.
"I like his mouth," says SupaFunky, presumably suppressing a "though." "I'm a sucker for slightly crooked mouths.... Besides, he has a nice ball-rest chin." I'm so glad my mom doesn't know how to use the Internet.
At this point, some new people enter the conversation.
MiguelGomez (41 years old, San Jose, Calif.): He looks like he might be great in bed. I know he must have some kind of kink.
Imago: How so? You know that he KNOWS he's good looking cause of they way he contorts his face into those little cutsey wootsy expressions. I would imagine he's kind of vanilla though.
Violator (Don, University City, Mo.): Aside from Hamster Huey (who is sure to sniff this out shortly), you and Supa have ensured there will be no additional support to this thread.
Imago: Oh I love his mouth. It just looks like I'd have to give him a little spit transfusion to start the kissoff.
SupaFunky: OMG. His mouth reminds me of Fuaxie's!!!!! [Fauxie, as it's spelled, is a guy in Bangkok]
Imago: I just got this vibe from him.....either that or he's a serial killer. Did you catch the very beginning when he raised his eyebrow.....girl, please!
MiguelGomez: That's what I'm talking about!! It's a total leer!
Jess555ja (no info) swings by to say that I'm cute, and BSK3478 (a woman in Minneapolis) calls Imago a trollop. Then BSK3478 posts this photo:
Newpower99 (Chuck Miller, Cincinnati) quotes the gang-bang line and requests that it be expanded into a four-way. There's more about I don't know what; someone sent someone else some videos (not of me!). Then Imago says, apropos of nothing, "I bet Paul Walker would fall for Eric." Paul Walker is an attractive, if vacant, actor.
Just when I thought it couldn't get worse—though the Paul Walker part did help my self-esteem a bit—JustErin (Erin, 34, Ottawa, hobbies: "Judging people and drinking rye. Oh, and I like to lick things") barges in. "I don't get it," she says. "He's kind of NILF, really." If not for the context, I could almost persuade myself that she means "Norwegian-American I'd Like to F---" instead of "Nobody." NewPower digs up another photo of me but decides he needs a shirtless pic to decide whether this thread is worth his valuable time. SupaFunky doesn't care; my face is enough for him, he says. When JustErin says she really doesn't get it, SupaFunky helpfully details my appeal in a list:
Cute
Gay
Odd Expressives
The dry mouth can be lubricated
Innocence for defilement
[I think he forgot about my ball-rest chin]
JustErin refuses to listen; my ripe innocence, wayward eyebrow, and cotton-ball mouth hold little appeal. "No," she says, "this is exactly the kind of dude I was talking about in my personality/looks thread." I searched for what she was referring to, but not very hard, for obvious reasons. "Oh my stomach," announces Imago. "You know what, I'm logging off for realz. And that's that.
I've read it at least twice now, and I still don't know what to say. It's hysterical, flattering, appalling, ridiculous, preposterous. It's proof that the Internet can bring out the worst in people; none of them, except maybe JustErin, would ever say any of this to my face. I thought about letting it go, rising above. I considered posting something, maybe a photo of me first thing in the morning, when I look my worst, all crabby-faced and haggard, holding my pug in my lap while I complain about something in the New York Times, but I don't want to encourage them—for all I know, that's precisely someone else's fantasy. Instead, I decided to blog about it. Now they're part of my story, instead of vice versa, and the last word is mine: Move along, boys; it's never gonna happen.