There's a possibility I may start being a semi-public figure again, which, like anything except unicorns, has its pros and cons. The other day, while mulling over the implications of the opportunity, I remembered something very funny. Early in my time at Budget Travel magazine, I wrote an editor's letter about a business trip to Detroit during which I split the pants of my suit: The point was that things always go wrong and either you learn to roll with it or you have a miserable time. Well, it touched at least one nerve, inspiring a response that I've kept in my file of things that make me laugh. (I'd say there's a three-percent chance max that this was really from a 13-year-old, in which case it's heartbreaking.)
To: Erik Torkells
From: [redacted]@aol.com
Subject: Questions regarding the article "Did I Tell You About the Time I Split My Pants"
Dear Mr. Torkells,
I read recently the article you had written about splitting your pants in Detroit while on a trip and found it very funny. Please let me explain why I am writing. I am a thirteen year old student at the [redacted] School in New York state. As part of our writing course at school we need to interview someone who experienced an embarrassing situation. While reading your story I thought of you. Do you mind if I ask a few questions about the incident where your pants split? Our teacher told us that the more detailed responses the better for our project.
• Where were you and what were you doing when your pants split?
• Can you describe the rip? Where did your pants rip, size, location of the split?
• How did you know your pants split? Could you hear and/or feel it?
• What was the first thought that went through your mind when you realized your pants split?
• What did you do when you realized that your pants were ripped?
• What did you find most embarrassing about your pants splitting?
• Please describe in as much detail as possible what you were wearing at the time of the incident. Shirt (type, color), pants (style, color, material), undershorts (style, color, pattern, etc.)
• Did anyone else notice your pants split? If so, what was their reaction?
• Why do you think your pants split?
• Have your pants ever ripped before? If so, briefly describe the incident.
• Do you worry that your pants may rip again? Have you done anything to avoid this in the future?
• On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the most embarrassing, how would you classify this incident?
• What would have made this situation even more embarrassing?
• If you could, briefly tell me about your occupation, family and age.
Thank you for your patience in responding to these questions. I would have interviewed my father whom I know would have had many funny stories but unfortunately he is in the army serving in Iraq. He has been there for over a year and I miss him very much. I hope that he comes home soon as I worry very much about his safety. Thanks again for your time and assistance. I hope to hear from you soon. David.
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