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I'm just saying...

  • Tandem bikes: for the active codependent.
  • All public restrooms should have locks that indicate whether they're vacant or occupied.
  • I would pay extra for an edition of the New York Times with no opinion pieces.
  • Evite should run reviews and ratings from party guests.
  • Prius drivers are the worst.
  • Someday I'd like to have a washing machine that's not at knee-level.
  • Train travel is better in the abstract.
  • Artists should have websites indicating where their works are on display, the way musicians' websites list upcoming shows.
  • Why is stand-up comedy in movies always so terrible?
  • Nothing kills the vibe at a restaurant bar like a laptop.
  • Is a "knowledge base" ever useful?
  • Houseguests are like newborns: Great pains should be taken to keep them asleep.
  • Sometimes I think everyone I know is on the spectrum.

previous lyrics

  • Don't let the chlorine in your eyes blind you to the awful surprise
  • I think I lost it, let me know if you come across it
  • Time is like a clock in my heart
  • Walk beside me, not behind me. Feel my unconditional love
  • You always knew you were tired, but then where are your friends tonight?
  • It's too late tonight to drag the past out into the light
  • This may come as some surprise, but I miss you
  • I walked home smiling—I finally had a story to tell
  • I kissed you in a style Clark Gable would have admired. I thought it classic
  • If you knew how I felt now, you wouldn't act so adult now
  • Under the kitchen light, you still look like dynamite
  • The culture is lit, and if this is it, I had a ball
  • I was dreaming when I wrote this, so sue me if I go too fast
  • I never wanted to be your weekend lover
  • Sometimes I wish for a mistake
  • Downstairs the party is going full swing. The people we came with haven't noticed a thing
  • It’s not safe to go out, it’s not right to stay home. Listen, my advice is to carry a gun
  • And anyways I'd rather listen to Coltrane than go through all that shit again
  • Up to Lexington, 125—feel sick and dirty, more dead than alive
  • Whoever brought me here is gonna have to take me home
  • I hear you knockin', but there ain't nobody home
  • What's practical? What's logical? What the hell, who cares?
  • I don't know what I knew before, but now I know I want to win the war
  • Tell me something that you mean, not just what comes to mind
  • I don't know my future after this weekend, and I don't want to
  • I see you driving sports cars, ain't hitting the throttle, and I'll be down to do a hundred, top down and goggles
  • Sing me another love song, but this time with a little dedication
  • You got a look in your eye when you're saying goodbye, like you want to say hi
  • I'll settle for a cup of coffee, but you know what I really need

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08 January 2009

I'll Be There for You, Cause You're There for Me Too

Burger King announced a promotion that if you unfriend 10 Facebook friends you can get a free Whopper (like that's such a prize). Still, I think it's kind of funny. I even had a similar idea once. But first, some background....

A month or two after I joined Facebook, when I had around 30 "friends," I told a new (real) friend that I didn't believe that anyone could really have 700 "friends." He replied that he had around 500—doh!—but that he swore he knew every one of them.

The idea of devaluing friendship rubbed me the wrong way—as I've written before, if you care to go there. If someone asks if you'd like to be their friend, you should have more options than "accept" and "ignore." Instead of just "accept," for instance, there might be options such as:

OK, fine but...
...I still haven't forgiven you
...Just this once
...If we see each other on the street, please don't acknowledge me
...We never dated
...I hope you've changed
...Don't push it: send me one application and it's over
...You better buy my book when it comes out

And wouldn't it be great if there were ways to express ambivalence? Maybe a "whatever" option? Or "This request never happened." Or better yet, a button that sends the requester a message saying "X-From_: MAILER DAEMON Returned mail: user unknown." I'm exaggerating for effect—no one I accepted as a friend made me feel this way!!!—but you get my point. Life is so not the black/white of accept/ignore.

Anyway, I wondered if I'd ever get to 100 "friends." At 90, I had an idea: When my 101st friend request came in, I'd make an announcement that I'd be limiting myself to 100 friends, which meant that if I were to accept the new request, someone would have to be sacrificed. (I think a euphemism like "weeding the garden" might come in handy.) I could even ask for volunteers, and if no one stepped forward, I could choose three expendables, and let everyone else vote. I'd certainly be amenable to waitlisting them in case an opening occurred.

But 101 came and went, and I realized I didn't have the stomach for it. What can I say? I'm loyal to the end.

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