Neighbor: Are you from Iowa?
Me: [Looking down at Boise State T-shirt.] Uh, no.
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previous lyrics
- All I ask is to live each moment free from the past
- No family is safe when I sashay
- I never dreamt that I would get to be the creature that I always meant to be
- I can't wait to put the icing on the cake
- I'll see you and I'll raise you off the floor. I'll floor you and we'll dance without a band
- Time can never mend the careless whispers of a good friend
- Seems that I was busy doing something close to nothing, but different than the day before
- Your eyes are burning holes through me. I'm gasoline. I'm burning clean
- There's one year of my life in these songs, and some of them are about you
- I'm not a slut! I just love love
- Never stop living here till it eats the heart from your soul, keeps down the sound of your silent sigh
- This will be the last time I ever do your hair
- Maybe we could walk around, all day long. Walk around, all day long
- They tell me God forgives you for almost anything you do
- If you need me, I'll be where my reputation don't precede me
31 October 2018
10 October 2018
Sleepjoking
Last night, I dreamed that I was overseeing the writers at "Saturday Night Live" (just go with it), and we had been told to come up with a skit regarding First Man, the new movie about Neil Armstrong's walk on the moon. I suggested we have him arrive on the moon, only to find a lesbian couple who had already moved there—in a U-Haul, natch—having decided that Brooklyn was too gentrified.
06 September 2018
At Franklin Street
Adam: Why would the MTA choose this station to honor Aretha Franklin?
Me: [Pause.] Seriously?
10 August 2018
At the Conservatorium Hotel
Adam: [Crouching in front of window.]
Me: I think it only opens a few inches.
Adam: Oh.
Me: And you'll probably hurt yourself.
Adam: You're right. Can you do it?
05 August 2018
Golden Oldies
I have to throw away the gold pants that have been in my closet for years decades now—the fabric is stuck to itself. I'd say it's the end of an era, but that era ended long ago!
I'm just saying...
- Penne is the saddest pasta.
- Don't eat a dish named after a volcano.
- Nobody cares about your app.
- It's time to remove that note at the end of your emails asking people not to print them.
- If you think about it, gum is weird.
- Business idea: TV channel devoted to terror attacks.
- Please don't tell me about your favorite TV show.
- The more reachable I've become, the less likely I am to answer my phone.