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celebrity dreams

previous lyrics

  • This will be the last time I ever do your hair
  • Maybe we could walk around, all day long. Walk around, all day long
  • They tell me God forgives you for almost anything you do
  • If you need me, I'll be where my reputation don't precede me

26 November 2016

10 November 2016

17 October 2016

I'm just saying...

  • Business idea: rentable art.
  • New goal: Don't die in a way that makes it to Facebook's "Trending" list.
  • I have never wanted breakfast all day at McDonald's, but I have often wanted French fries before 11 a.m.
  • Nothing makes you sound old quite like using the word "millennials."
  • Don't talk in hotel hallways.
  • Mini-storage facilities should hold garage sale days.
  • Facebook feels about birthdays the way I did when I was eight years old.
  • I wish credit-card companies could send an alert when a refund has been processed.
  • It's only nagging if I have to ask more than once.
  • Do authors like to inscribe books because it makes getting rid of them much harder?
  • Hashtagged phrases at the end of social media posts always sound like Tourette's Syndrome outbursts.
  • Modern comedy relies too heavily on haplessness.